Individual Counseling Talks DARVO; What You Need to Know

In the realm of mental health and individual counseling, recognizing manipulation tactics is crucial for identifying and addressing unhealthy relational dynamics. DARVO—which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender—is a common yet insidious form of psychological manipulation. By understanding and recognizing DARVO, you are equipping yourself with the knowledge to protect your mental health. If you’ve experienced DARVO, you may feel confused or guilty or even question your reality. Individual counseling can help you navigate these emotions and regain a sense of clarity and self-trust. In this blog, we’ll explore what DARVO looks like, how it impacts victims, and strategies for recognizing and protecting yourself from it.

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the term DARVO in the 1990s. It describes a specific defensive response often used by perpetrators of abuse, wrongdoing, or manipulation when they are confronted. We often see this used by people who have Narcissitic Personality Disorder.  It is frequently used by individuals seeking to deflect blame, avoid accountability, and shift the focus onto the person confronting them. The three components of DARVO are:

• Deny: The person denies the accusation or wrongdoing, sometimes outright lying or gaslighting the accuser by claiming the event never happened.
• Attack: Rather than engaging in a dialogue or accepting responsibility, the individual becomes hostile. They may criticize, demean, or belittle the accuser.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The offender positions themselves as the victim, painting the actual victim as the aggressor or instigator. This reversal creates confusion and makes it more difficult for the actual victims to advocate for themselves.

Experiencing DARVO can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and emotionally drained. Individual counseling can provide the support and strategies needed to recognize, process, and heal from the psychological effects of DARVO. DARVO can lead to significant psychological distress, where victims may question their memory, perception, or experiences. The consistent gaslighting and blame-shifting can lead the victim to feel emotionally drained, which may lead to feelings of isolation, especially when the perpetrator tries to lead others to side with them, so the victim feels disbelieved. Over time, repeated exposure to DARVO tactics can erode a person’s self-esteem and trust in their reality, which can contribute to anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms.

DARVO can manifest in various contexts, leaving victims feeling unheard and invalidated. It’s important to recognize how it might play out in different situations:

• In a Romantic Relationship: You express hurt over your partner’s ongoing dishonesty. Instead of taking responsibility, they deny ever lying (“I never said that!”), accuse you of being paranoid (“You’re always looking for problems!”), and claim that you are the manipulative one for bringing it up.
• In the Workplace: You report a colleague’s inappropriate behavior. Rather than acknowledging their actions, they deny any wrongdoing, attack your credibility, and accuse you of trying to create a hostile work environment.
• In Public Scandals: A public figure accused of wrongdoing denies all allegations, attacks the media or victims, and portrays themselves as the true victim of unfair persecution.

If you suspect you’re experiencing DARVO, there are several strategies that can help. Familiarize yourself with the DARVO framework. Being able to identify it in real time can help you separate yourself emotionally from the manipulation. When possible, document interactions in writing or through voice notes. Having a record of events can validate your experience and serve as evidence if needed. If you recognize DARVO patterns in someone’s behavior, consider limiting contact or establishing firmer boundaries. Protecting your mental and emotional well-being is a priority. Individual counseling is also a significant aid in the healing process. Professional support can help you process the emotional impact of DARVO, rebuild your confidence, and develop strategies for self-protection. Some ways individual counseling can help with DARVO include:

• Recognizing Manipulation and Gaslighting – A trained counselor can help you identify DARVO patterns in your relationships. Often, people experiencing DARVO are left feeling guilty, defensive, or even questioning their memories. Therapy provides a safe space to sort through the confusion, validate your experiences, and make you feel understood and supported.
• Rebuilding Self-Trust and Emotional Clarity – Since DARVO tactics can lead victims to doubt themselves, therapy focuses on helping you rebuild self-awareness and confidence in your perceptions. A counselor can help you distinguish between truth and manipulation, enabling you to regain control over your emotions and decisions.
• Developing Healthy Boundaries – Counseling teaches you how to set and enforce strong boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm. You’ll learn when and how to disengage from toxic interactions and prevent being drawn into manipulation.
• Managing Emotional Responses to DARVO – Victims of DARVO often experience intense emotions like anger, guilt, anxiety, and shame. Through therapy, you can learn effective coping mechanisms, including mindfulness, grounding techniques, and cognitive-behavioral strategies, to manage these feelings more effectively.
• Processing Trauma and Emotional Abuse – DARVO is frequently used in cases of narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, and workplace manipulation. Therapy provides a structured, non-judgmental environment to process the emotional damage, recognize trauma responses, and begin the healing journey.
• Restoring Confidence and Empowerment – Individual counseling helps rebuild your self-esteem and provides strategies to regain confidence in your thoughts, decisions, and interactions. It empowers you to stand firm against future manipulation and engage in healthier relationships.

DARVO is a damaging form of psychological manipulation that distorts reality and undermines genuine accountability. Whether you’re experiencing it in personal relationships, the workplace, or public spaces, recognizing the signs and equipping yourself with strategies to protect your mental health is essential. If you’ve been on the receiving end of DARVO, remember: your experiences are valid. Seeking support and prioritizing self-care is not only a step toward healing but also a powerful act of self-preservation. Spreading awareness about DARVO can empower more people to recognize and resist manipulation. If you or someone you know in the Kansas City area is experiencing the effects of DARVO, consider seeking therapy at Take Charge, Inc. in Overland Park, KS. Call 913-239-8255 to schedule an appointment.