Individual Counseling: What Do You Do About Fawning/People Pleasing?

Individual counseling is a powerful tool if you struggle with trauma or the trauma responses that follow. Fawning is considered one of the “4 F’s” of trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn), which are instinctive ways people cope with stress or danger, particularly in challenging or emotionally unsafe environments. Seeking out the help of individual counseling will help you navigate these feelings and responses in a much better way.

Fawning, also known as people-pleasing, is a behavior where an individual prioritizes pleasing others, avoiding conflict, or seeking approval, often at the expense of their own needs, desires, and well-being. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors with self-awareness and healthier coping strategies, such as setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care, can help you take control of your life and foster more authentic and balanced relationships. If you recognize that you engage in fawning or people-pleasing, know you can break the cycle and build healthier patterns. It takes time and self-awareness, but with practice and support, you can learn to prioritize your needs while maintaining positive relationships. Some things you can do to help deal with and change the fawning behaviors include:

• Build Self-Awareness: Pay attention to situations where you need people-please. Do you feel anxious about rejection? Fear conflict? Notice these triggers. Also, pay attention to your physical and emotional reactions. Do you feel tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, or guilt when asserting yourself? These cues can help you identify fawning behavior. Keeping a log of when you people-please and how you feel afterward can help uncover patterns.
• Understand the Root Cause: People-pleasing often develops in response to childhood environments where love and safety felt conditional. Reflecting on these experiences with a therapist can help. Acknowledge your fears around the situation; are you afraid of being disliked, abandoned, or causing conflict? Understanding what’s driving your fawning can help you challenge these fears.
• Strengthen Your Boundaries: Practice setting small boundaries first, such as saying, “I need to think about that before deciding.” Use assertive communication, things like “I appreciate your request, but I can’t take that on right now.” Or “I value our relationship, but I need to set a boundary around this.” Setting boundaries might feel awkward at first, but people who respect you will respect your limits.
• Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: Instead of thinking, “I’m selfish for saying no,” try, “Taking care of my needs helps me show up better for others.” You don’t need to please everyone to be worthy of love and respect. Catch yourself when you say “sorry” unnecessarily and replace it with a more confident statement. This shift in thinking can bring a sense of relief and ease, lightening the burden of constant people-pleasing.
• Prioritize Your Needs: Check in with yourself before agreeing to something. Ask yourself, “Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I afraid of disappointing someone?” Take time to prioritize your rest. You don’t have to earn rest or self-care by pleasing others first. Develop your own identity. Engage in activities that fulfill you, not just what others expect. By prioritizing your needs, you are showing yourself the respect and self-worth you deserve.
• Seek Support: Individual counseling can help uncover the emotional wounds behind fawning behavior and develop healthier coping strategies. Being around others who struggle with similar patterns can help you feel understood and less alone. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth.
• Practice Saying No: Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you respect your limits. Try different ways to say no: “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that.” Or offer an alternative if it’s appropriate, such as, “I can’t help this time, but I’d love to do it another time.”
• Accept That Not Everyone Will Like You—And That’s Okay!

It’s impossible to please everyone, and seeking approval from others often comes at the cost of your happiness. Instead, focus on being authentic and surrounding yourself with those who appreciate you for who you indeed are. Terri advises individuals to reconnect with their authentic selves. This process entails rediscovering personal values, preferences, and desires that may have been overshadowed by tendencies to prioritize others’ needs. For more information about individual counseling in Overland Park, Olathe, Leawood, Lees Summit, and the Kansas City area, including what to expect and how to get started, contact Take Charge, Inc. at (913) 239-8255.