Couples Counseling – Let’s Talk About Sex, Trauma and Faking Orgasms

AdobeStock_97015389Couples counseling works when each person is ready to participate – to be fully vulnerable, open, and honest. Couples come in for many different reasons and sometimes the “why” they came in to talk takes an unexpected turn in an uncomfortable direction – SEX and TRAUMA.

Talking about issues in the bedroom can be difficult when you are in any setting, couples counseling or in your own home chatting with your partner. If you have experienced trauma, this conversation can be paralyzing. Each person in the conversation is experiencing their own perceptions and feelings. Pride, stereotypes, shame, etc. are all reasons we don’t share open and honestly with our partners. It is not easy to tell the person you love that you have faked your orgasms or that lovemaking is not as exciting as it used to be. Finding out that you faked an orgasm could make your partner feel lied to and betrayed. They might feel angry. The first thought is probably not going to be your reason for faking it or loss of libido, even though the first question is usually “WHY?”.

I have been working in individual and couples counseling for many years, in Overland Park and Johnson County, Kansas, and the topic of problems in the bedroom is more common than you would think. I can tell you that counseling at Take Charge, Inc can help improve your sex life and invite you to come in…but first, let’s look at the “WHY” factor in sex troubles.

Why Woman Fake It

A 2019 study found that well over half (59%) of women have faked an orgasm at least once and 55% said they wanted discuss sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some of the most common reasons why:

  • 42% didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings
  • 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail
  • 38% were embarrassed

The study also discovered that 67% of the woman who said they had faked it no longer needed to because they had become more secure in their own sexual identity. The felt safe and secure enough in their relationship that they no longer needed to fake it. This happened because of individual and couples counseling. Other studies have found that trauma, specifically emotional neglect, during childhood can affect the way a child perceives the world and themselves and leaves lasting scars. This kind of neglect influences the way you attach and relate to others, how you see your role in your relationship, and contributes to feelings of insecurity sexually.

Why Emotional Neglect Trauma Effects Your Sex Life

If one or both in your relationship experienced childhood emotional neglect, this could be the root cause of your intimacy issues. That early neglect leads to an overpowering adult-size need to FEEL loved and liked. You crave your partner’s constant proof that they are genuinely invested in you and your relationship. You are willing to do anything, even adjust your behavior and set aside your needs, to be more love and likeable. When asked about their experience, a person who has experienced trauma may have all their internal triggers fire at once! Admitting you didn’t orgasm could make so many things go wrong. You could feel shame for not having an orgasm; wondering if something is wrong with you. You could hurt your partner’s feelings or imply they are not a good lover. They could get mad and feel like you have betrayed them. The entire relationship could be called into question, and they might leave you or find someone else.

Why Couples Counseling Changes Your Sex Life

Although these thoughts and feelings are real, they do not have to define your relationship. Emotional neglect created these destructive patterns and couples counseling can create new, healthier patterns. Instead of sex being a weapon or trigger for fear and insecurity, sex can become a deeply intimate activity. Each of you start building a strong bond emotionally and physically. Guess what? When you share your feelings, your needs, your wants, and desires with your partner in couples counseling, you create new opportunities for confidence and exploration. When both of you feel comfortable enough to learn healthy ways to communicate, without blame or judgement, you begin to build a lasting connection. That is exactly the kind of intimacy that CAN lead to passionate sex with your partner.  

Sometimes it feels impossible to imagine your relationship in other way. This is why couples counseling is extremely useful in healing and learning how to create safe healthy communication in all parts of your relationship. Together we will move past the surface problems. We will identify the level of trauma from each side so each partner receives the emotional care they need. For more information about marriage counseling at Take Charge, Inc., visit our website or contact us by calling (913) 239-8255.

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